.

 read if you want to know what it's like in the brain of someone with an inferiority complex/imposter syndrome

otherwise let's just say it's another self-pity rant

 

 I waited for several days to message you. I try to think of previous conversations. I never really bring this up, but things like "you're just paranoid because of previous friendships" and "you can't be very well on your own" haunt me.

Because every time I think of these conversations, I think of how I come over as a clingy person. Something I don't want to be. And every time I say to myself that I won't spam you with messages, but after a few hours do so anyway...it feels like I failed, once again.

I remember a conversation back in December
You get upset every time. It's best you figure this out by yourself...
I never straight up say it but,
in my head there's a big sign saying "YOU FAILED"
"You once again showed you're weak and emotionally dependant"

I told myself "Not this time. I'll wait until they talk about it themself. Eventually they will". I remind myself of what you said and think "They need time to sort everything out. You need to respect people's alone time" But the hours passed and so did the days...
I didn't hear anything...not even 'hey', nothing

and so the negative thoughts hit me
"You're not missed"
"They only talk to you 'cause you talk to them....out of pity"
"Others don't have the need to listen to you all the time, you're annoying"
"You rant so much, talk so much about unimportant things...do you really think others want to hear all this ranting"
"Just shut up. Your life really isn't that interesting"

"So you made an edit to cheer them up, do you really think that'll help them"..."they only said something about it, so you wouldn't feel bad"

They only react to it because they know someone as sensitive and emotionally unstable as you wouldn't be able to handle another reaction

Most of the time it's like one big dark cloud in my head, it's a mix of these kind of thoughts so these are just a few that I can recall

 

I was hesitant
Because in my head there's a fight going on
one side says:
"Don't bother them with your messages, you'll only push them away further. 'Cause people don't like it when you can't respect their alone time. It'll only prove that you can't be alone by yourself. It will just show that you're weak"
then there's the other side
"But not saying anything will make it look like you don't care"

I still wait, wondering if I should talk. In the meantime I try to keep myself busy.
There's no communication...Just vague statuses....
'horrible' I want to say it's not the case, but I told myself not to send messages....so I won't even though I disagree

It's been two days, two days of no conversation whatsoever..."Maybe it's my fault? Maybe I made them feel bad? The last messages I sent were short and sounded kind of upset" (I admit I wasn't in a good mood)

I'm still hesitating. Ok, focus. Make the brownies. Continue whatever was on your planning today, it'll distract you from all of this. And it did.
It was afternoon. Still no sign. It's been almost three days. Normally she'd say at least something after this amount of time, no?

To be honest, it bothers me that there's no communication. I mean, if you don't want to talk to me or need time by yourself you should at least say it...
But all there is are vague names and statuses....

I know I told myself to not send anything, to wait patiently.....but we all know I'm not very patient. 3 Days seem like an eternity for someone like me.

I'm still hesitating, but I message anyway. 

I still sound upset, but in all honesty, I am.

"I need time alone, didn't I make it obvious"

My brain doesn't read the full message. I mean, of course I read it. About depression, being emotionally unwell.
But in my brain, only this message sticks

You.failed.again.

I thought I did the right thing. I thought not talking was a way of showing respect, respecting someone's wishes to have some time alone.
I thought it would be ok to message them now...apparently it's not

Here come the thoughts again

"People don't want you around, what did I tell you?"
"You're bothersome"
"Just leave them alone already"

 

Every time these thoughts appear there's also the "You're just paranoid" memory that tags along

I can't tell if they're angry or upset with me or not
'you're concerned' they said,
but I keep reading "you're paranoid/nosy"

I thought I had improved my ways, I didn't. I still come over as the paranoid friend. Who can't be alone without crying about it.

In my head all I hear is

"You shouldn't have sent it, you should have done as you told yourself. This is what happens when you break your own promise"

So now I'll just shut up. Respect their wish.

Not even sure I'll ever show them this, because I don't want to come over as someone who makes others feel guilty about wanting to be alone

Just because I can't be alone doesn't mean others don't have the right to