just...idk

((posting it on here, cuz I don't wanna spam discord with my negativity))


I just want to make clear that: I don't want to make you feel bad about yourself or make you feel guilty. Really the only one to blame is my depression, I guess.
Plus, I need to get it off my chest. I will stay insecure/gloomy if I don't talk about it...I try to be more open since I trust you
and a scorp meme once said: Scorpio values honesty.... soooooooo

so (here we go, I'm nervous cuz I'm scared of hurting u ;; )

like I said, my depression has been giving me a hard time:
ever since this week (I'm guessing it started on Wednesday or Thursday) my depression has been making me feel insecure. Of course it likes to make me feel insecure about things I value or care for: in this case our friendship.
I've told u not too long ago that I don't wanna be overly clingy or spam you (wait, was that yesterday XD). Or I don't wanna come over like I obsess over our friendship. I mean I really enjoy and value our conversations. It is often my biggest support (here comes the cheesy part, brace urself) and often pulls me through when I struggle.

But my depression seems to notice this. long story short, lately it has been telling me things like:
- if you keep spamming your friend you'll push her away
or
- by always going on and on about your negative feelings you'll push her away and eventually you won't have her as a friend anymore

I know I say sorry all the time. and maybe I shouldn't be sorry, buuuut, I do feel bad. Very often I feel bad telling you I'm lonely or feel bad or whatever. Cuz I feel like I'm forcing you to reassure me or comfort me or whatever.

I kinda didn't wanna tell you, because you might think of yourself as a bad friend (you're the opposite, really). Plus I don't wanna go on and on about my mental health being shit. I know you tell me you don't mind but...
I often think about how I miss the me from a few years ago. Who always joked, and pranked u and used sarcasm. she's still here, but at the same time she's kinda absent (why am I typing about myself in third person, hahah?)

but well, I thought about it on my way home and it kept bugging me

so, here's your honesty heh

One day I'll be better
I hope

PS: I blame cancer season/being cancer rising



yours sincerely,
someone who's emotionally a water sign