Living with ocd

(I am NOT a psychologist. This is mostly written according to how I see and experience the disorder)

(I feel like my ocd doesn't allow me to tell or write this, but I have to be brave)

A few weeks ago I did one of these test thingies. A question popped up: ‘Do you like things to be clean?’ and there were two possible answers:
a) No
b) Yes, because I have ocd

As someone who (is,  by the way, not tested but quite sure she) has ocd I must admit I didn’ find that as hilarious as the creator of the test intended it to be…
(washing your hands super often/being a neat freak/etc can be a trait of some who have ocd, just remember not everyone has this trait so don’t generalize)

What’s important to keep in mind is that there are (as I like to look at it) “two sides of ocd”
- one of them I call “the positive side”: it’s the one most people think of when they think of ocd.
examples are: when you love to arrange things in certain ways, like arranging your clothes per colour or make lists and love to arrange everything on that list in alphabetical or  chronological order.
People (like the person who made that test) sometimes joke that having ocd means you’re actually a neat freak
-Then there’s “the negative side”, which is the one I’m gonna talk about in this post. Since, sadly, ocd is a lot more than just to arrange your closet by colour etc. the actual disorder is related to things like forced thoughts, compulsive rituals, feeling guilty and more

Oh yeah, since I haven’t explained: ocd stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
It’s a mental illness

Well, to give you a more clear view of what kind of mental illness ocd is and what it does I decided to copy paste some stuff from Wikipedia and sites, since I’m not very good at explaining this scientific, psychological stuff myself:

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder where people feel the need to check things repeatedly, perform certain routines repeatedly (called "rituals"), or have certain thoughts repeatedly. People are unable to control either the thoughts or the activities for more than a short period of time. 

So, here are some traits of ocd:
-forced thoughts (obsessions) or forced actions (aka the rituals) (compulsions)
-These obsessions or compulsions can make you feel nervous or stressed
-You often feel guilty when you don't do the obsessions or compulsions
-The need to controll things often or re-check stuff
-The disorder isn't the result of drugs/alcohol or other substances

To be honest I think it's a nasty mental illness (don't get me wrong, all mental illnesses are). It forces you to do things and think in certain ways, and when you don't it makes you feel bad or even guilty about it.
That's what ocd does.
I like to compare it to that kind of friend that has a bad and negative influence on you but you still keep hanging out with them.


An example for me is: I constantly have to walk on borders of tiles. It seems innocent, but when I don't do it or miss one, ocd says: "you're a horrible person. Something bad might just happen to you or someone you love."
and this, this is exactly what this disorder does. It keeps you in their power. It loves to play this power game and it loves winning it. It loves making you feel bad over the smallest and most innocent things. Ocd hides in the smallest things in life (I guess this is why most friends and family don't know I have it. Not even my therapist (who I visited for a mental illness I once had) has noticed.)

I tend to hide it when I'm around friends or when I'm at work. It's like, when I'm surrounded by enough people I can suppress it.
Sometimes I can suppress it when I feel like I look too ridiculous. Because not only do I feel guilty or bad because of this mental illness. It sometimes forces me to touch things or walk in certain ways (those damn tiles) or do rituals and I just feel kinda awkward. Sometimes you can feel people stare a little.

ocd is, like mentioned before, nasty. That's the one word I describe it with. Feels fitting for this disorder. I honestly don't know how I ever got this illness in the first place, but now I have it and I'll have to cope with it for the rest of my life. Since I'm afraid it's permanent.
I've read sad stories about people who also have ocd and it takes so much of their time and makes them feel so stressed that they become depressed or sometimes even suicidal ;--;

However, one thing's for sure: I will keep fighting this disorder. It will never let it take over my life (the more power ocd has, the more fun it will have and the more it will try to torture you).
I've always been an optimistic, happy girl and I will never let ocd change that. Because a mental illness isn't part of who you are.